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An Open Letter To Random Guy On Facebook

Dear Raj (Raul, Kiran, Sandeep, John, Patrick),

Thank you so much for writing.

“hello dear how are you”

I am fine. Although I do find the lack of punctuation a bit of a turn off. Dear.

How are YOU?

“u r so beautiful………………..

Why, thank you.

I wish I could comment on your physical attributes also, but, unfortunately, I am distracted by the four missing letters in “u r”. And, all those periods at the end…………… for the love of Darwin, this is not how punctuation works!!! [See what I did there?]

Oh, and thank you so much for sending me the picture of your penis. You shouldn’t have.


You shouldn’t have.

I do not usually provide unsolicited feedback on those, but since you’ve already so kindly commented on my appearance, I’ll make an exception.

In two words? Not bad.

Although, I’ll be honest, I’ve seen better.

If I were you, I wouldn’t worry too much about that weird curve to the left. I heard it’s totally normal.

And you more than made up for your SHORTcomings by liking every single one of my 1,786 photos on Facebook. And commenting on all of them with a weird GIF image of a cartoon character with a bouquet.

All those notifications on my profile. And here I thought that one of my blog posts has gone viral. But no, it’s just you.

You and your penis.

What the fuck is that cartoon thing supposed to be, anyway? A giggling fox with flowers? And how do you even get it to appear? I’ve looked! Is that some sort of Facebook Premium Pro Creep plug-in?

Oh, and let’s not forget the incessant poking! If there is one place I looove me a virtual finger, it’s my FB wall. In fact, feel free and use two fingers next time.

Now about that marriage proposal… Unfortunately, I will have to decline.

Your timing is simply awful.


You see, I already said yes to the last chap who asked, and as far as I know polygamy is still illegal in Ontario.


I will put you down on my waiting list though. You are right after the nice gentleman from Nigeria who wants to sell me some weight loss supplements.

As for the image you sent me…

… thank you for throwing that out there.

You know, most guys go on and on about liking walks on the beach or some other nonsense. You, on the other hand, get straight to the point. So refreshing!

While I applaud your entrepreneurial spirit of self-promotion, and, of course, the ability to multi-task, I’m happy to report that all of my choking and spanking needs are currently met.

But, again, that’s where that waiting list comes in.

And you are right, this kind of thing is something we might as well get sorted out in the first sentence or two.

Imagine we went out on that first date, and I’d have all those expectations, and you’d fail to deliver?

That just won’t do.

Again, thank you so much for writing.

(No) Hugs (for you), SOLO

YOUR TURN: Do you have a favorite “random guy on Facebook” come-on? How do you respond?

Liked this post? Check out my open letter to THAT guy at the gym.



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