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I Have Always Wanted Children

Hey, Friend!

I have always wanted children. 


That's a big fat lie. 

I have never wanted children. 

Having kids seemed like a chore that was perfectly preventable and avoidable, yet everyone was doing it. 

I didn't get it. I wanted to approach women who spent their weekends looking up strollers and baby names, and remind them: “You know you don't have to do this, right?”. 

I thought that maybe they forgot. Otherwise, why would someone in their clear mind choose to burden themselves so? Why, when the alternative was fun, and travel, and amazing food, and hobbies, and running, and, and… 

It just seemed like an incredibly bad deal. 

Who would want it? 

As one girlfriend after another got married, and got pregnant, I have always imagined myself to be the fun crazy aunt Kate. I would travel the world, return from my adventures, tanned and  happy, and bring some exotic candy that no one likes. 

I have no problem imagining that Kate. 

She fits like a glove. 

When I was in my early twenties, I would imagine all the things that pregnancy and childbirth would “do” to my body - body that was already ravaged by lack of confidence, and self-loathing. I did not think I could take it. 

I was not as strong then as I am now. 

I also “didn't need anyone” back then. I was perfectly fine on my own, thank you very much. Heck, I almost had a panic attack the first time my then-boyfriend-now-husband hung a shelf in my apartment. 

What? Help?



You couldn't rely on people, you see. People always left. It was better not to depend on anyone. And, of course, it was absolutely crucial not to have anyone depend on you. 


I was not as strong then as I am now. 

Today, my family in Canada starts with my husband, and my children, and ends with my parents, and my brother. When my husband and I started dating, I used to joke how unfair it was. He only had to learn three names. I had to learn... eleven? twenty nine? forty three? Numerous cousins, aunts, uncles, and their children. 

I miss my big family back home. There is a certain buzz in the air, when there are twenty, thirty people in the room, and they all have your last name. 

In some circles, I might be SOLO, but I do not want to be solo. 

If I wanted to have a clan, I had to make one. I could not bring my family here, but I could try and create my own. 

“You would make an awesome parent”, a friend told me (way before I had kids).

I came to believe that too. 

Yet, I don't believe that being a good parent is some unique character trait, or talent.

To be a good parent you have to be… a good person. 

So, what happened? 

Years and years of deep work, and therapy, and writing, oh-so-much writing happened. 

My husband happened. 

My coaching work happened. 

And everything changed. 

I changed. 

My mind changed. 

My heart changed. 

I got stronger. 

And in the process,  I became a better person. 

P.S. This is an excerpt from my collection of essays “Half Pregnant”. I am feeling like sending out some snail mail this week, so in the next FOUR days you can buy a copy of my book and I will write you a handwritten card. 

Here's the link, and I have 18 copies. 

18 handwritten cards sounds like a good amount of cards. :) 

Or, you grab PDF version only here.

Oh and… if you or someone you love had a miscarriage recently, and you think they might appreciate reading this book, hit Reply and let me know - I will send them a free physical copy with a handwritten note and cover shipping. 


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