Would you happen to know at what age children stop making so much goddamn noise when they sleep? To me personally, sleeping sounds like a lovely way to spend ten hours.
But they are making it sound so bloody hard. What, with all the sighing, and coughing, and breathing, and whining, and complaining, and occasional blood curdling screaming in the middle of the night followed by complete silence - enough to freak you the hell out, but not enough to make you go in.
There’s also two of them, which works out great - each only has to work half as hard to produce plenty of disruptions throughout the night. It’s the one time they really seem to lean into the notion of teamwork.
It goes like this (not every day, but more days than I care to count):
7.30pm = desired “this is what the internet told me is appropriate for their age” bedtime.
7.45pm, 8.00pm, 8.15pm = repeated bedtime attempts, cleverly foiled by children’s newly discovered love of dental hygiene, and complaints of eternal and life-threatening thirst.
8.30pm = actual “I love you, I’ll be right outside, it’s time to go to bed now, for real, please god, lights out, door closed, I am too tired for this” bedtime.
10pm = that blood curdling scream that I mentioned earlier. Yep, just one. Not sure which kid. Don’t care. Complete silence follows. Ok then.
2.20am = Pitter-patter of steps as the four year old makes her way to the bathroom (yay?). I listen for all the correct sounds, and none of the incorrect sounds.
Correct sounds: foot stool moved across the tile floor towards the toilet; the tinkle-tinkle peeing sound (does anyone else feel like a complete moron saying tinkle-tinkle?); the flush.
Incorrect sounds: make-up drawers being opened; bathtub tap being turned on, washing machine power button beep; and, of course, the scariest - no sounds at all.
3.00am = Ow! And a thump, followed by whining. Sounds like someone hit their head on the headboard. I’m trying to assess the level of whining. It’s like a 4 out of 10. I’m staying put. The whining ceases after a few minutes.
4.30am = “No, Marshall! That’s mine! You have to share!”. The four year old is narrating a tea party with all Paw Patrol pups in attendance. I like dogs, I really do. At least I did before I learned about Chase, and Marshall, and Zuma, and Everest, and WHY DO I KNOW THESE BY HEART???. These particular dogs… I’m not saying I’d run any of them over with my car or anything… but if something bad was to happen to them, I would pretend to be awfully upset, of course. But I wouldn’t actually BE terribly upset, you know what I’m saying?
5.45am = The two year old sort of wakes up, but not really. Enough to cry for mommy. Mommy knows this game, because if mommy goes in, everybody will be up for the day, AND will be miserable, AND the baby will crash for a nap on the way to school. No dice.
6.14am = The four year old emerges from her room, squinting at the light, and stumbling a bit. “Mommy, can we have bread now?”.
7.15am = The two year old is up for real now - fresh as a daisy and smiling.
Good morning, everyone.
We ARE talking about superpowers today, I promise.
You see, I have this superpower.
I can read people’s minds. Not like… all the people ALL the time. But enough to freak out my clients on a regular basis.
This superpower is fun.
It’s a superpower that I use for the good. And it’s one that I spent years developing.
All the mindreading and magic courses.
All the witchcraft certificates.
But mostly thousands of coaching hours.
And then, I have this other superpower that I have just been magically given overnight.
It’s the ability to hear my children through multiple walls. Hear them breathing, hear them wake up, fall asleep, hear them exist. The supersonic mommy ears.
I so wish I could give this stupid superpower back.
The superpower that regularly sends me to the basement bedroom - on a separate floor, with the doors closed, and a weighted blanket AND a white noise machine. And sometimes, that’s not enough, so I put my head on the pillow, AND put another pillow over my head.
What about you? Do you have any superpowers? The ones you have worked hard on, AND the ones that have been handed to you by children or universe?